Strange and Upsetting: Non-Austin Edition

I try very hard to be free thinking and go with the flow, but in the end, I am a girl who used to read Emily Post for fun, and seriously people, if you are going to stand up in front of people's grandparents at a rehearsal dinner and give a toast, there are things you DO NOT SAY.

If you are a friend of the groom:

Do not detail your belief that shortly after the wedding the bride will be taking the groom's "manhood" and putting it in her purse, never to be seen again.

Let's start with the fact that nobody wants to think about the groom's penis. (Even the bride doesn't want to, at least not in front of her parents.)

Let's then move on to the fact that you have just called the bride a castrating bitch, implied that the groom will feel castrated and dominated as a husband, and oh, yeah, called your own wife a castrating bitch. I know there were two dudes in the same hot pink blazer and more yellow pants than you could shake a stick at, but the party was not actually taking place in 1955. Also, friend of the groom, you were born considerably later than 1903, and thus have absolutely no excuse for thinking that marriage = castration is a knee-slapper.

If you are the brother-in-Law of the bride:

It's very sweet that you've known the bride so long because you've been dating her sister since high school and she was the first girl you ever kissed, etc. It is not sweet to follow up the memory that bride's sister was the first girl you took on a date in a car with the fact that said date was (and I quote) "a fantastic ride."

Nor should you, when friend of the groom has made a horrifying toast that mentions the groom's "manhood", decide to elaborate on a theme and assure the groom that the bride "will handle your manhood gently." Nor to follow up that with "not that I would know."

The horror of this toast renders me incabable of detailed analysis, but I trust we all know why telling a large group of people that you nailed your wife in a car when you were teenagers and descriptions of the bride's penis handling skills are NOT APPROPRIATE.

Miles: None this weekend, but 45 minutes on the elliptical thing this morning.